September 27, 2010

September, Blackberries, and Tall Grass

So here we are once again. Like years before, I fought the coming of fall. I resisted the dying of the summer flowers and looking at leaves changing on the hills as I drive in to work. Oh, and the rain, I kept out one pair of sandals...

Another birthday has gone by. I am just that much older. Am I wiser though? I hardly feel like it. I wish I could say I was a great beauty, that with age comes more refinement and grace. Yes, grace would mean that I would not fall down the last two stairs on New Years in my three hundred dollar shoes. Oh and that I would not accidentally pour tea into my purse and kill a cell phone and a hands free device. Oh dear lord, I am so without grace. (Maybe next year?) But since I am not a great beauty, graceful or wise I have to revel in the things I am.

1. I am generous and have great empathy... unless you have cut me off in traffic when you are in a hurry to get to a meeting that you COULD have gotten up ten minutes early for but instead chose to take my spot in the line.

2. I have wonderful friends. At a recent dinner party I observed the wide range of women I have collected over the years, wise and funny all of them. Thank god... this means there is someone to show me the way.

3. I keep a clean house. Thank you mom for showing me that cleanliness is godliness. I don't think she taught me to have an OCD moment though when the leaves are tracked in on the floor. This might be part of not having any grace.

4. I have a great eye for shoes. No need to say more. This is a skill that all women either envy or develop.

5. I am clever. There is something to be said for clever, never underestimate it. I would rather be clever than beautiful. (Both would be better...) Clever means I can make my own luck.

6. Cooking to me is an art. And I am damn good at it. I love to feed my family and friends, to break bread is a communion of sorts.

7. I still think that sex is fun. And I am a fantastic kisser. And I am not one of those people who just says that. (I taught J. everything he knows.)

8. After 30+ years, life still fascinates me. I am infinitely curious.

9. My life partner loves me. No one in my family is a criminal. (This generation at least.) No one is in pain or lost or angry. Family is love.

10. The world is a breathtaking, vivid and utterly beautiful place and I live here. (Not really about me... but this is my birthday rant, so forgive me.)

Recently I have reconnected with a friend from high school. (Thank you Facebook?) We had been room mates in college, best friends and inseparable. But then something happened, many things happened and we drifted into our own lives. I saw her ten years ago and sent a wedding invitation which went unanswered. And here we are, years after that. She has become more beautiful with age and seemingly lost sight of who she was over the years. There are no photos of her in a white wedding dress, no conventional adornments. No career deciding where she stays or goes. Am I jealous? It would seem that I am... also a bit awe struck. Who knows what would have happened if if if. Who cares. I would not be me. I may not have such a great eye for shoes.

Life. A puzzle. I am hardly the one to figure out the riddle all be it I am clever. Who would want all the answers?

I will just be happy with the scent of the blackberries in the air, the shifting leaves and my love of words. For the things that make me the woman I am who stops at the drop of a hat to photograph grass fields and sunlight.


January 30, 2010

The Littlest Birds

Something Blue

I can't erase the image of your fingers, wedding band catching the light, flat against the floor as you rise. Your wife below. And then as quickly as I caught the secret shadow of your lust, it is gone.

And you return to being just a man in a room full of men, teaching us the power of violence.


January 03, 2010



Define that in the world we live in. It seems like a simple enough task. ``To be unfaithful.`` Yes. It would appear so.

But now apply that to a relationship where the normal bounds are not easily defined to square edges. Where coloring outside the lines is seen as liberation from the normal day to day ideas of what is this and what is that.

Now infidelity is not so neat and tidy.

Love is an absolute. I can not like you. I can decide that your behaviour is bad. That there must be consequences... but I never stop loving. In that is the most painful reality. To be hurt by the one you love the most. Can it be forgiven... this is now the definition we need to write.

I have never faced this set of questions, this particular coloring book. Instead I have been lost in the dizzying array of colors, the scent of the crayons, and the rainbow of possibility. I have pushed for J to be as free, to be as creative, and somehow we forgot that even this liberty has boundaries.

We will be fine. More than fine.

But the question still lingers... what is infidelity in an open relationship. A debate that we will muddle through over the next coming days.

But my heart is bruised. I was angry. I was sad. I assisted in creating this mess. I gave permission to the one I love to wave that knife around and stab it into me. Oh the drama. (I actually laughed typing that.) Honestly, I am hurt. More by the recklessness with which my love lost sight of what was important.

Damn little head.

And so we move forward. There has to be forgiveness regardless of the questions. It is what we do when we color outside the lines.