August 28, 2008

Take Nothing Serious

Old Barn Doors

(I had this feeling when) He said
“take this and throw it like a stone,
further than the last”,
so I
would stand still long enough
for stars to dissolve the night sky.

Dreams are just forgotten
reality, (fantasy and reality
are too far apart, I lie)

when released, they stretch out
across the thousand light
arcs of heaven, and feel the latch
to the door I keep closed

(just against the cold, I lie)

(just against the loss in the dark,
I truth)

He feels the barn door in me,
the reassuring iron taste
of the old latch tempts me
with a familiar safety;
but this
silent ease with which
we unstring our remembering
is more gentle in the soft
light of the new moon.

The door is open,
letting in the ripe summer sky
and the quiet of emptiness.

August 12, 2008

American Propiganda

Well, I have had more traffic in here than when I blasted the American inaction with the Katrina victims. What does that say about us?

I pulled Christopher's name. Not because Holly emailed me twice this morning (and again from her blackberry, requesting I no longer post her responses.) No. I did this for Christopher's wife. She does not deserve any more heartache than what I have already caused her.

But I do have to ask ... and so do a few others... why on earth was Holly so interested in Christopher that she was googling him? This seems to be the million dollar question.

The purpose of the exercise is complete. Now I feel hungover and worn out. And fuck... I can hear Katydids in my head.

My god. What an amazing, powerful and omnipotent power this has over us.


August 11, 2008

Beauty in the Breakdown

Oh how we, as humble human beings, love drama. It seems my post has received some attention because I posted Christopher's name. Does everyone not see this was intentional?

Holly S. wrote me to tell me the following:


You dont know me but I came across your blog about an affair you had with Chris. You are very detailed in this blog and you even have his first and last name as the title. I think just out of consideration for him and his family it would be best if you remove his name from the title of your blog. I am a freind of Chris's and I know he is a good person and does not deserve to have his personal affairs exposed to all on the internet. I would sincerely appreciate you doing this just so noone one runs across this again. I understand you were just expressing yourself but I noticed you named your current boyfriend J. and did not show his full name but you did not do the same for Chris. You went as far as to his full name and where he lives ****** That is pretty obvious. Not a whole lot of Chris F's reside here in Memphis. That is exposing something very personal and hurtful. I was shocked when I came across it and I am sure his family would be too.

Thank you,

Knowing me as you do now, you know that I could not stay still... but had to respond. I am a woman of words.... and I think my response says it all.

I appreciate your writing me to voice your concerns. Part of why I posted his name in this way was to reach out.

I am not sure if you have experienced the kind of loss Christopher and I went through... I hope not. But there is always this lingering question... "Is he ok?" We did a horrible number on ourselves and those that we loved. I am not attempting to hurt anyone further, but instead... this was much easier than calling him at work, correct? I think if you read the post with an open mind, you might understand that this is not a post about Christopher so much as about me.

He and I both know that there is no going back. You would understand, if you have lost someone.

Nothing is accidental. I was reaching out into the dark looking for information. And look what I found. You. But it's unfortunate that you hold judgement in your heart. Act shocked all you like, it was not a secret then.... and even though we all have pushed what happened into the past, none of us has forgotten. And hurtful is not the intention.

It's the truth. And the truth can be ugly and beautiful. It's all about perspective.

Perhaps you will have the courage to tell him some crazy Canadian posted in an anonymous blog about him. If you do, congratulate him on the birth of his second child for me. And tell him I am ok with things the way they are. That there should be no shame, what does not kill us makes us deeper, richer. That being awake is wondrous. And so is moving on.

Or did you miss that part in the blog? The part where I commend him with rebuilding his marriage. His wife is an amazing and forgiving woman. Oh wait... you judged me without reading past the "affair" part. Did you read that my own marriage ended? Did you go further back in the blog to discover that J. is not just a "boyfriend" but my life partner?

I feel sadness that it's you that will be the one to deliver my message. I had hoped for someone with a deeper sense of understanding. If you aren't going to send it on, that's fine. I will wait for someone to reach out who will.

Again, thank you for the time it took to write the email. I wish instead, I could have thanked you for reading it.

And just for your information, there are many Chris' in Tennessee.