Confession

Who is to say that the man you looked over in the grocery store and then decided was not “your type” was indeed the key to something you had forgotten or thought lost?

I learned some time ago that surprising things often come in unexpected packages. Yet what has been unfolding for the past few weeks has caught me completely off guard. I am utterly without words to press this down on paper. So forgive me. I am going to butcher this… when it deserves such prettiness.

I am on the cusp of some new moon rising inside of me. Fragile as a robin’s egg and as determined as snow drops in spring.

Remember the you before this you? The one who was self-aware and listened to her heart? The one who understood the creative soul she sheltered and was gentle with that responsibility. Oh yes, there were still all those drunk ramblings and bumping into doors. But she was something to behold.

I had thought her gone. Yes, there is the blog where I get to tune in to that inner heart. But it is not always there and lately and the voices are hushed in whisper. I am more and more the corporate me. The me that everyone sees. I had forgotten what it was like to be looked at and seen. To be heard.

It’s powerful. So truly powerful.

Right from the first words he flung from his fingers, digital font reaching out to snare me softly, introspection. Not his. But mine. A parlour room trick he plays with the light and my ego. And I am completely transfixed.

I am merely a frozen lake that he scrapes back the snow and peers into. There, in the thick liquid of sleep, I am suspended. And he reads the secrets of my body as easily as you do the font in front of you. Or so he would have me think. There may be parts I keep at murky depths but without being able to touch them it is like they sing up at him, begging to be shared in the light.

It’s been troubling. For both J and I. Me in my bright morning blinking and he in his “not quite sure, but know something is off” way. What does not change, what cannot change, is my love of J. It is hard to hold my own in all of this. To maintain my balance. As I bite down on the fist in my mouth, I realize it is my own.

So, my unexpected package. A soft mouthed boy from rural Ontario, all angles and hard lines against my lush curves and city shoes. I don’t know how I had not noticed his blue eyes. So blue. They pin me down and force me to tell the truth. And perhaps that is why, bodies joined, I cannot open my eyes.

There is something coming. I don’t know what. And so I am here keeping my balance.

G

Something Borrowed

Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan 1969


Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

Something Blue

Sanctuary


Found in the dark,
wild and half starved
for truth

it is not so much sex
as the cleansing
of the succubus to reveal
the hard syllables
of loneliness.

(How long
since anyone has seen?)

I feel myself
reach for
that place within
(tall grass
dusk sky),
improbable.
Undeniable.

And when (silent)
you join my body
calling my name
(a mere breath)
there are no more
words for meaning.

Other Windows

Pipe Dreams - Travis

I read every word
And I still dont understand a thing
What had you heard?
What had you heard
Was it love, was it take another walk in the dark?
You'll never learn

I'd pray to God if there was heaven
But heaven seems so very far from here
And it all boils down to the same old thing
Just a yin and a yang or a couple of pipe dreams
And it all boils down to the same old pain
Whether you win or lose isnt gonna change a single thing

Something Borrowed

I carry your heart with me - e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)