Confession

Words do not come easily these days, yet they are the shadow that follows me. Elusive golems. I write in my head; the music bringing them, the pale green of freshly cut hay, the morning sky fighting the great guardian Mt. Cheam. There is something in the world I move through, beauty and pavement. In the eyes of those I walk past, the simple fact of knowing I am ok.

There is so much to be thankful for. This past fall had me in a dangerous place. There were nights when I could not articulate the mediocrity and loss of hope I felt in my daytime reality. The whore I was reduced to. The money I took on a check with my name in small print under the greedy fat heart of my employer. The soul eating day in and day out.

And then there was the snow. Erasing all of the brown shit that had started to pile up in my path.

Then, the ultimate revenge. Promotion.

April has seen me exhausted, but deep in the heart of hearts... bliss.

A wise woman once said that only I could change the path I had taken. I cleanly stepped off that LA sidewalk and into the arbutus lined pathways of Galiano.

Just
like
that.

But the words still taunt me. Only when I can’t pin them down with a pen, do they come. Beautiful and sad, beautiful and bliss filled. None of it seems to matter. Not the pretty paper I coax them with or this silent world of digital font.

There is such a wonderful sense of coming home to my life. Fragile as it may seem some days, we move through. I have to ask myself if the lack of words is due to the bright sunlight of happiness. Do I prefer the deep blue of midnight?

Three sky blue robins eggs nestled in the soft of cottonwood spun with the gentle fronds of grass. See it? Fragile. Life in that thin shell. Something the cat could get at; we struggle to protect its future. See the mother arcing above, calling out against our intention. We are the best we can be then. Communication. Collaboration. To save the miracle of three sky blue eggs.

The human spirit only needs hope. Hope. The almost, not quite tangible, promise. This will work. We made a difference.

I can
step off
the pavement.

The words have not left me. And I hope that they soon quit flirting and step out into this sunshine.



G