Confession

I am in an unusual position these days. It would seem that I am a curiosity. An anomaly.

Let me explain a few things.

I am just a woman who knows what I want and has been lucky enough to find a partner who gives me the freedom to do that.

It’s a very un-sexy articulation of facts.

No. I am not a “slut”. Your wives and girlfriends have hobbies, crafting and scrap booking, shopping and book club. I like meeting new people. And sometimes I luck out and I like them more with their clothing off. But for me, the thrill is the connection, the excitement of something new and unexplored and how my body and mind react to it. Think of each of my adventures a sociological investigation into my own being.
I am terribly shy on the inside. It’s only with years of self-programming and “faking it until I make it” mentality that I have kept this hidden. I am not trying to be poetic when I say that I tell secrets only in the dark and why this blog is my sanctuary. I love the communion that happens in the darkness.

Have you noticed it? The silk of shadows. The way candlelight renders hiding useless eventually. The way darkness chips away at our reserve, freeing us from the shell that holds us to being “good”. I know you know. I don’t even need to ask these questions. We all have something or somewhere that allows us to strip down and be naked. Vulnerable.

In high school photography class we had a hall that would connect the main classroom to the dark room. It’s in this small space we would load the film canisters and set up negatives for development. There was no red light, instead we did these things with our hands by memory. I had two altering encounters in this space. Suddenly brave, trapped in the warm security of darkness I was kissed. Tentatively. Then bravely. Things that would never have happened in the bright scrutiny of every day. It’s then I learned the power of these secret places, of darkness.

In this place, there is the Outside Me who has to finally surrender to this shadow lover. Much like cliff jumping. Outside Me pinches her nose and dives and in doing so I become my brave self. Where we land is part of the experience. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I surface wondering why. Why?

I don’t know why I am like this. Or why I like it. Or what makes me capable. Only thing I do know is I feel this thing and it makes me feel… alive.

I have said this before, we learn ourselves through others. Each interaction I have I come away with more of myself. And hell, it may make a fantastic novel one day.

And until J says that is enough. Or I am tired of the limitations, I will keep going. Planting my garden in darkness, harvesting the fruit by candlelight.

I know there is some part of you that hears that same song. The silence. How you want to step deeper into it if only to hear yourself more clearly.

G