Confession

I can smell fall today. On the edges of the sun. In the wet relief of rain on the pavement.

Have you ever wanted so much, to bursting, afraid that you could not possibly get it? I keep asking myself, what good thing I did to deserve such sweetness. Look at my life… there are such wonderful things in the small singing birds, in the small fragments of simple prettiness. There is so much to be thankful for.

Complicated? Yes, sometimes.

Easy? No.

But there are moments when I feel so … full.

Last night the dogs could sense the coming rain. In their giddy dog ways, darting across the summer burnt grass to the trees, the sky turning bright gray. A natural instinct. Like the scent of fall in the air. Something we know, deep in our selves. Deeper than our egos, or petty meddling. Deeper.

The sliver of truth, buried in our hearts.

Sometimes he says things that both thrill and frighten me. (Is it wrong to say, I want that too?) When did I get so jaded? I want to shake my self out like a rug, let the bitterness and fear drift out over the tall grass and vanish into the air. I want to believe. Hope. I keep listening for that sliver of truth to contradict what my heart wants... and it never comes. The doubt. There is only quiet. A quiet of a sleepy house, not of an abandoned one. (Does that make sense to only me?)

Love is only the start. Remember, I always say… “Love is an action word”. Time tells. Oh yes, I know. Cliché. (Who cares anyway, if the words are well worn?) Slowly, this will unfold…. Summer turns to fall, fall to winter.

There is more to fall than the leaves and the golden sky. It’s a time when I hear katydids singing, when I can look at the full moon and map my heart on it’s face as plainly as I can see these words here. Fall is a time to stretch yourself, to take that final leap into the cool water and kiss your summer stained skin goodbye. It’s when we get real. When we are less frivolous.

Fall is when I shall see if the sliver has spread, if the truth has a voice.

When I might stop talking in riddles and say it as plain as I feel it.

G.